Keeping Watch
by Claire M C
Summary: For some it is a moment of great revelation...For me it was a nightmare." JoshDonna. "Gaza" Spoilers. Complete


_Story Info_

Spoilers: Season Fives "Gaza".  
Summary: For some it is a moment of great revelation...For me it was a nightmare.  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of Aaron Sorkin, NBC. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
Author's Notes: This was the first West Wing Fic that I wrote, inspired after I saw"Gaza" and poor Josh.

For some it is a moment of great revelation like a vivid dream not to be forgotten. A moment so perfect and life altering that it's cherished and protected for all eternity.

Poets all over the world have spent years trying to describe the marvel of it. How great and wonderful it is. They compare it to flowers and sunshine, the beauty of nature and smiles on the faces of pretty women and all that crap. I was never much of a poetry lover I left that to my sister. She could rhyme off Wordsworth and Dickinson like the alphabet.

Why couldn't I have been one of those people? Why couldn't this moment of _great_ revelation be amazing and wonderful for me? CJ would role her eyes and make some smart remark about me being too much trouble to do anything right or normal.

Cause really it wasn't that great.

For me it was a nightmare moment. A moment that will stay with me until the day I die. And they all knew, all of them. Leo, CJ, Toby, Will, hell probably even the president. And I was irrationally angry with them for not letting me in on the secret. Of course my rationale has left the building. It probably did the moment she left the building. She didn't even say goodbye.

So it wasn't the greatest moment of my life. I mean, how could it be? What the hell do you do when you finally realise that you've been in love with your assistant for the past five years and instead of bringing her to Brussels like she asked - Brussels where all you had to worry about was being delayed for a few hours because of some farmers in tractors are angry with you - instead of bringing her there you send her away to one of the least stable places in the world. You send her to _Gaza_ where she nearly dies after some bastards think it would be a good idea to blow up the Americans car.

I mean, for the love of God, Toby didn't want Andi going! But not me, no I even go to the bother of kicking that Evan guy off the CODEL so that Donna can go. I actually kicked some guy off the trip so my assistant could go to a place where suicide bombers and mortar attacks are practically a daily occurrence, nearly a part of normal life over there. I must be out of my damn mind.

She still could die, couldn't she? I mean, I know the doctor said she was going to be fine but what with all the blood loss and the chance of blood clots…Yes I heard that bit, despite my little thing back there. That's why she's here, in a hospital in Landstuhl, why there're cuts and bruises on her face and her leg is enshrouded in a large plaster with a steel pole trying to keep everything in place. She's still breathing and that's a good sign. Gotta keep watching her though. I can't take my eyes off her, cos we all know what will happen when I do, don't we?

She might stop.

I can't let that happen.

Not to Donna.

It's sounds stupid and egotistical and she'd probably tease me about my inflated sense of self-importance, that I actually think I have anything to do with when and if she wakes up, but I can't take the chance. I won't take the chance.

I can still see that look on Leo's face outside the Oval Room.

And I got it.

Finally.

They all knew, all of them and they didn't care. It was Leo who finally got through to me. Donna was in a hospital in Germany fighting for her life and I could go to her if I wanted. To hell with how the press, Republicans or anybody else would perceive it. Donna was in trouble, he knew how I felt about her and he was going to let me leave.

Just like that.

For a minute I just stood looking at him. What could I say? It was like a blurry picture had just come into focus. And suddenly I was ecstatic because, yes I love Donnatella Moss, and then incredibly sick, like all the air had been sucked out of my body in a split second because she was lying somewhere in a German hospital, completely unaware of it and she still could die. I wouldn't only be losing my assistant; I'd be losing my best friend and the woman I love. And she'd never know it.

Unless you experience it, you'll never understand what that sudden realisation feels like, and I hope you never have to. So I walked away from Leo, then jogged and finally ran as fast as I could out of the White House and got on the first plane to Germany.

It was only on the long flight over that I finally read her e-mails. I hadn't really read them before, I just assumed they'd be full with Donna's signature factoids waffling on about things that, although pretty amazing, had nothing to do with anything of significant importance.

I wasn't disappointed. They were full of Donna facts and I could almost hear her voice in my ear reading them to me. I couldn't help but wonder what the hell was wrong with me that I wouldn't read one of Donna's e-mails back in the office. She knew better then anyone what was going on over there. As usual, she'd somehow managed to worm herself into people's warmth and affection and they showed her things they wouldn't show some American senator or limelight-seeking politician. They recognised the genuine compassion and concern in her and they responded to that. That's Donna's great strength and it makes her an invaluable asset to me cos when I'm being maybe a little less then diplomatic in my approaches to others, mostly Republicans, she can be the sympathetic one and make apologies and all that without it actually being from me. It's a subtle yet important talent.

Plus she gets the whole sympathy vote thing. You know the how-does-that-wonderful-woman-work-for-an-ogre-like-Lyman sympathy? Strangely enough sometimes I think that works in my favour as well. If they upset me then when they leave I may take it out on my poor pale looking assistant yadda yadda.

Which is pure crap cos I'm the one that's more likely to get my head bitten off by the supposed she-should-be-pitied assistant. Seriously, have you ever seen Donna when she's pissed off that I've pissed someone else off? It's not nice trust me. In addition apparently it takes time out of her busy schedule to send them flowers or fruit baskets to make it seem like I'm apologising without actually apologising. And if that doesn't work she adds them to the List Of Josh Lyman's Enemies. Apparently there are currently fifty-three names on that list. This is a list in her head so I'm not sure how accurate that is, she could be exaggerating but I have a feeling she's really not.

Thank God that list is only in her head. Imagine if someone found it! It would be _catastrophic_! Not to mention the fact that CJ would have me in a hospital for the next ten months.

So much for the 'poor, pale assistant'. And she's not pale. She says her skin is alabaster. I had great fun teasing her about that, I had that smirk on my face, the one that drives her up the walls, really riles her up. Alabaster, she insisted, it's called Alabaster Josh.

She looks pale now though. I like alabaster skin, love it even, but I don't like this pale skin. She's too white, too pale, too sickly looking.

"Mr Lyman, can I get you something?"

Out of the corner of my eye I can see a dark haired nurse but I can't tear my eyes away from the golden haired woman in the bed.

"No. Thank you." My voice sounds hoarse and raw maybe it's from lack of use. I don't think I've ever been silent this long in…well ever.

Huh.

It's pretty amazing what this woman can get me to do. Or not do. Whatever.

She'll be okay, right? I mean she can't not be okay. She's Donna and I need her. My office would fall apart without her. Even in the short time she's been away it's beginning to crumble, the temp is managing. Barely.

I need her to wake up and be fine. I need her to come back to work and be sharp and snipey with me. I need her to not bring me coffee and bring me down to earth when I may be a little arrogant about my latest political victory over Republicans. I need her to explain complicated matters in weird and simplistic ways that strangely enough make sense. I need the banter. God how I need the banter.

Basically I need Donna, and I'm selfish enough to need all of her and even demand it of her. It might be wrong, it would probably end our careers, but I need her.

And I'm scared she doesn't need me. I know she cares about me but this…this is something strange and new and a little scary and I don't know if I should tell her.

Can I risk our careers, her friendship, everything we have. I'd say yes in a heartbeat, but if she didn't feel the same way…

I should worry about this later, after she wakes up, after I know she'll be okay, that she's still Donna.

Until then I guess I'll just keep watching her.

Finis


End file.
